There are millions in this world that are obsessed and anxious about body image, weight and the perpetuated societal belief that being skinny is being beautiful.
I am ashamed to admit I am one of those people. My whole adolescent and teenage life I have battled with weight issues, I have tried everything to be skinny and hopefully, subsequently happy with who I am.
I am not pro-ana or pro bulimia, I do not condone or promote these drastic measures to achieve weight loss. They always, and I mean always, cause more problems than they solve. One thing to understand, anorexia nervosa and bulimia are not dietary choices, they are not eating patterns or behavioural patterns. They are mental illnesses that I consider myself fortunate to have never suffered from them, however, I do know what it's like to be on the borderline, to obsess and be absorbed by one's weight.
In 2013, from February through September I pretty much starved myself, living off of one meal a day, if that, by August I had dropped to 6 st, which, for somebody that is 5'3 is a dangerous weight. I am sorry to say that I was legitimately happy with my life and what I was during this time. Since then I have, in my opinion, put on considerable weight, to what people call a healthy weight, and I'm sure it is healthy, but I am not happy.
Recently I fell back in to the pattern of malnutrition and starving myself, over the last two weeks I have limited myself to one meal a day, and though I have noticed ever so slight differences in my appearance, what I've noticed more is the resurfacing of my paranoia; it's a vicious circle, most people eat three meals a day, maybe a snack or two to accompany that, we recognise that to be the social norm for eating habits, to maintain a healthy weight. However now that I've begun starving myself again if I eat any more than what is technically unhealthy (one meal a day) I feel ashamed, weak, disgusted with myself. I can actually feel the fat and weight encasing my body, even though it, apparently, isn't. I see a chubby, unappealing and borderline fat little girl when I look in the mirror, I ask myself how I could have "let myself go", and so I turn to refusing all meals in attempts to rectify this.
Most never understand or even know about the struggle many of us face, as of now I have absolutely no idea what my actual body type is, because according to my friends and family, and boyfriend what I see in the mirror is not what I actually look like and this drives me insane. When I was dangerously underweight I saw a healthy girl in the mirror, no gaunt-ness, no bones protruding and no skeletal features, a healthy well rounded girl, now I'm back to 7.5 st I see a girl who's edging toward overweight even though I know, logically, I am not.
It's a nightmare, it really is. I have tried eating regularly yet healthily, maintaining an exercise routine, I have tried eating what I wanted and what I felt like when I felt like it without excess, I have tried starving myself, and it pains me to admit the only way I really truly felt happy, and confident, was via the latter approach.
Maybe I should seek professional help, or maybe I'm an exception to the millions who turn to malnutrition and suffer both emotionally and physically, the underlying point of this is do not, ever, take this issue lightly, if you or anyone you care about suffers from this don't write it off as trivial, it is serious, very serious. Talk to them, listen to them, try to understand and try to help them. If you yourself are suffering I myself would be happy to talk to you about it, perhaps we can help each other, I have not been through the severities of it and for that I am thankful, but I do know how it feels to have that mindset. I know how it feels to feel sick to your stomach from just, eating, I know the humiliation, weakness and pain of enduring this mindset. My door is always open and I will lend you my ears, it always helps to talk.
